One of my favorite books when I was little was a Peanuts book. It is called Happiness Is A Warm Puppy. It is an adorable read and it talks about all the little things that make little kids happy.
Awww how sweet!
My sarcastic ass thinks that there should be a book that describes parenting in this format. You know...not the warm fuzzy moments (everyone already knows about those!).....the real aspects of parenting. It should be in the bassinet at the hospital. It's a work in progress but here are a couple tidbits :)
*Parenting is discovering closed captioning/subtitles for the TV and appreciating their usefulness.
*Parenting is forgetting to shut the bathroom door at a friend's house because you are unaware that phenomenon is even possible anymore.
*Parenting is realizing that crafts with toddlers is not for the weak of heart.
*Parenting is waking up to someone staring at you in the middle of the night and not being allowed to scream or react violently.
*Parenting is having a potty in the middle of your living room and reveling in its usefulness as apposed to its grossness factor.
*Parenting is planning a bunch of things to do when the children finally go to bed and not doing any of them because you passed out yourself.
*Parenting is being drooled, spit up, peed, and pooped on all in the same day.
*Parenting is debating on whether or not leaving the house with the kid(s) is worth going to get the particular item you need and usually deciding that it is not.
*Parenting is getting your child a band aid for a fake boo boo only to have said child scream bloody murder and run off after you take the band aid out of the wrapper.
*Parenting is being able to find a stuffed animal in 5 minutes flat, but taking 3 hours or more to find your car keys.
*Parenting is having poop get under your fingernails.
*Parenting is explaining why light bulbs cannot go in your mouth.
*Parenting is explaining that you can actually dance WITH your clothes on and then losing that particular battle.
*Parenting is pretending to eat your baby's toes only to remember that they stuck their foot in their poop during the diaper change.
*Parenting is realizing that more food is on the floor then in their bellies.
*Parenting is wishing that bedtime would come sooner.
*Parenting is spending hours planning a "super, fun, AMAZING" activity for your child only for them to say they don't want to do it.
*Parenting is choosing between washing your hair or shaving your legs because you will only have enough time to do one or the other.
I'm sure I'll think of many more but I feel it is a good start! :)
I used to be a super happy people person. I loved going out and doing stuff. I was a "busy body." My children have taken that part of me and destroyed it. Now this person might come back when the children are in school, but for time being that part of me is dead. Oh but I'm supposed to enjoy this time....my kids are only this little once...blah blah blah blah. I would say let's look at my entire day, but I probably won't have that much time before I get paged by Thing One and Thing Two. So let's just look at an average night. Let's start at dinner time!
5:30-6:30ish - Dinner. Finally, broke down and made Peanut Butter and Jelly for my daughter because she run screaming at anything else mentioned. I have also lost any battle with making her sit at the table. She is watching a movie and will go to the table for bites. Dexter is on his play mat in the living room making giggle noises. Tristan is passed out on the back of the couch and Oscar is sleeping on the bed. My child/pet ranking is as follows:
Favorite Child/Pet: Mr. Bubbles The Fish :) Oscar - for completely leaving me alone and being out of sight Tristan - for leaving me alone Dexter - for still being demanding even when you are on the floor being cute Maddie - for being a brat at dinner
This quickly changes when I go in the bedroom to prep bottles/diapers for Dexter and find Oscar sleeping in the clean clothes basket that I have on the bed. Seriously, a queen sized bed and you sleep IN the clothes basket. Ranking has now changed to this.
Favorite Child/Pet: Mr. Bubbles The Fish :) Tristan - for leaving me alone Dexter - for still being demanding even when you are on the floor being cute Maddie - for being a brat at dinner Oscar - Asshole
6:45-7:30ish - Oh joy it's bath time. I get both kids nudie and we splash and have a good old time. I take out Dexter first and put on his diaper and pajamas. On the way back to the living room, I check on Mad who is sorting her toys by color. I cuddle Dexter for a moment to get him warmed back up (a job that is usually designated to his father, but I'm on my own for the time being so everything I do takes twice as long). Dexter falls asleep. Yay! I put him in the swing and begrudgingly tread back to the bathroom because it's "hair wash" night. I'm not sure why my daughter has a problem.....it's not like she has a bunch of hair. A process that should only take 5 minutes takes about 15. After trying to be calm about it I finally just start dumping water over her head so we can finish up. The ranking system is now as follows:
Favorite Child/Pet: Mr. Bubbles The Fish :) Dexter - because he is calmly sleeping in his swing Tristan - he is still on the couch sleeping Oscar - still angry at him for the clothes thing Maddie - for being a brat at bath time.
7:30-9:00ish - Dexter is still sleeping so I go to Mad's room. We cuddle/hug for a good 10 minutes because she is cold. Then I get her in her pajamas and we read books. She is super tired because she didn't get much of a nap so she readily agrees that it's time for bed. She goes down without a fight! I go out in the living room. I look at the toys all over the living room. I look at the dirty dishes in the sink. I think FUCK IT! This is the first time all day that both children are sleeping at the same time. I play some Harry Potter Legos on Xbox! The ranking system is now as follows:
Favorite Child/Pet: Mr. Bubbles The Fish :) Maddie - because she is down for the night Dexter - he's down for the moment but I know I'll have to feed him before bed Tristan/Oscar - Both are thinking now that I have no children hanging off of me that it is now "their" time to hang all over me. They are sadly mistaken. Both get pushed off so I can have some time without anything/one touching me.
9:10-11:30ish: I finish one level (it seriously only took 5 minutes) and look over to see Dexter STARING intently at me. It seriously freaked me out. I'm not sure when he woke up (sometime in the 10 minutes of my "Yay Me Time") *sigh* I try to pretend I didn't see, hoping he will go back to sleep. No bananas. Dexter becomes Mister Fussy Pants. I feed him, check his diaper, play toys with him, read him a book, rock him etc. He has no intention of going back to sleep. So he has "Tummy Time" on top of me while we play Harry Potter Legos. He FINALLY goes to sleep as I decide that I'm too tired to play anymore and it's too much of a challenge to do while he's wiggling. Hmmph. The ranking system is now as follows:
Favorite Child/Pet: Mr. Bubbles The Fish :) Maddie - because she is passed out Tristan/Oscar - both have scampered off, plotting their revenge Dexter - Thanks for the no kid free down time buddy.
11:30-12:00ish - My head doesn't ever shut down properly anymore....even though I'm exhausted. I go to bed and read a little bit. The cats now know that this is THEIR time and I become a Renee Cat Sandwich. Both are purring and snuggling. Reading has a drug like effect. I'm done. I finally turn off the light and pass out.
Favorite Child/Pet: Mr. Bubbles The Fish :) Maddie/Tristan/Oscar/Dexter - everyone is on equal footing because they are asleep.
2:20AM - I wake up to the feeling of my flesh being scraped off my back. My daughter has snuck into bed with me. She is sleeping perpendicular to me and is digging her toenails into my back. I just cut those suckers yesterday....and I cut them SHORT! In the wee hours of the morning, I contemplate removing her toenails altogether.
Favorite Child/Pet: Mr. Bubbles The Fish :) Dexter - because he is passed out Tristan/Oscar - both have left, probably when Maddie snuck in Maddie and her toenail claws of doom.
3:45AM - I wake up to a cat snarling and hissing and just making a horrible racket. It's Oscar. He's freaking out. I quickly investigate and nothing is out of the ordinary. His tail probably snuck up on him again.
Favorite Child/Pet: Mr. Bubbles The Fish :) Dexter - because he is passed out in his bassinet Maddie - because she is sleeping (not in her bed though) Tristan - because he was probably egging Oscar on Oscar - for being an idiot
6:15ish - Dexter wakes up freaking out. I quickly feed him and he decides it's "play time" Grrrr. I finally get him back to sleep around 6:45ish.
Favorite Child/Pet: Mr. Bubbles The Fish :) Tristan/Oscar - because they aren't annoying me Maddie - because she is sleeping (not in her bed though) Dexter - for waking me up, although I'm not too mad though. He is pretty much sleeping through the night. I am upset about the playing though.
6:45ish - Cats are jumping on my head. Thanks for that. I finally just give up and decide to zombie veg in front of the computer. As I walk past the Master Bathroom and see cat shit on my carpet. The day has already started out shitty. Pun intended.
Favorite Child/Pet: Mr. Bubbles The Fish :) Dexter - because he is calmly sleeping in his bassinet Maddie - because she is sleeping (not in her bed though) Oscar - pissy at him for not letting me sleep. He was trying to lick INSIDE my nose. Tristan - for shitting on the floor. Yep I totally know those lincoln logs are from him.
Sorry I haven't written a new post in a while. My son has been a real bear lately. He has been soooooo needy at night lately.
Anyway, today I had a little adventure worthy of a blog post. Most people don't know this about me, but I hate cooking. I really despise baking. I hate being in the kitchen period. I don't think it's fun or exciting. If I had to "rank" chores it would be right up there with cleaning the shitter. Hell, I think cleaning the toilet ranks above cooking. It takes me less time to do anyway. I really only cook anything because well...my husband and children would die if I didn't. Dieter can not cook. Well, I take that back. He can make cinnamon toast and a mean MRE. Yep, I do all of the cooking here. So you can imagine most of my recipes are very simple. I have had people tell me to try recipes and I veto them because they have either too many ingredients or too many steps. Don't feel too sorry for my husband. The meals I do make are very tasty and I can make them very well. I just don't branch out very often. He likes it this way. Usually things go badly if I experiment :)
With all that said, today I decided to bake cookies. Yeah. I know. But the recipe was really simple and Maddie LOVES cookies. The last time I made cookies was oh...a good 5 years ago. I was making them for my coworkers. That day I committed over 40 counts of bakeicide. It was horrible. The cookies were hockey pucks on the bottom and raw in the middle. I would like to think that it was my oven (it was an old thing), but it probably has more to do with the fact that every time I'm in the kitchen it's like an episode of "My Drunk Kitchen" only without the alcohol. Seriously, check her out! She is hilarious! This is one of my favorite episodes!
It started out well. I put all the ingredients out on the counter. Ha cookies! You can't fool me! I'm going to make sure I have ALL the ingredients before I start mixing you up! Learned that lesson last time :P I even made sure I had all the measuring utensils and both of the beaters for my hand mixer! I know right?! Things are looking good!
So I started mixing things! Everything was great until I got to the flour. Both of my children decided they needed me at once. Maddie is freaking out because she wants a hug. Dexter is screaming because he just woke up in his swing and realized I was not holding him. *sigh* I know most of you are thinking....why not let Maddie help? Mommy/daughter bonding time in the kitchen? Aww lovely thought isn't it? Maddie has an attention span that a goldfish would make fun of. That combined with my cooking ADD, well it's a recipe for disaster! It's much safer if I just let her watch TV.
So I managed to save the world and stop Dexter from going nuclear. Maddie got hugs and kisses. Back to my cookies. Sadly, I was in the middle of adding the flour to my cookies. I have no idea how much I have put in. Did I put in 2 or 3? I need 4 1/2 altogether. Hmmmm.....I think two. So I add another cup, which finishes up my flour. Never fear though! I bought flour and have a brand new one on the counter. I open it up, put my measuring cup in and ***SNAP*** My measuring cup handle breaks off. Really?
Sorry this picture was taken after I cooked dinner so just ignore my messy dinner dishes!
After the shock wore off (I mean sheesh who breaks a measuring cup while baking....only me :P), I finished measuring sans handle. I finished mixing up the dough. I was pretty proud of myself. It looked right. Maybe a little drier then normal (whoops may have added an extra cup of flour) but it looked like dough!!!
Next, I got out bowls for my sugar. This particular recipe calls for rolling the dough into balls and dipping them in sugar and then flattening them with a glass. I bought pretty pastel sugar for the occasion. So I open the container and start shaking out the sugar....which took forever to get out of those 3 little holes!
Damn you little holes!
I finally give up. The bottom of all four bowls are BARELY covered with sugar, but I have a hot oven and dough that is drying out.....LET'S BAKE! After 2 cookies, I decided the "glass flattening" step is a pain in the ass so I just flatten them with my hand. Yep.....I'm a cooking rebel!
I fill up the first cookie sheet and slap that bad boy in the oven. I start filling up the second cookie sheet and the children suddenly need me again. Both of them. At the same time. *sigh* I tell them to wait (now both children are screaming) and I hurry and finish filling up the second cookie sheet. Phew! This is a race against time and I have 4 minutes until my timer goes off. In record time, I calm Mad down, put on a new show, make a bottle for Dexter and prop it in his mouth (well son you shouldn't have woken up in the middle of my cookie baking :P).
*DING DING DING*
I take the cookies out! They look pretty good! However, I have no where for them to cool. Crap. I knew I forgot something. I kinda just push stuff off the counter unto the stools and lay some wax paper down. Okay that's done! The first two sheets of cookies used up all my sugar. Crap. I go to shake out some more and "OH SHIT!" I broke my sugar container. Wait a minute! Ha ha! It's supposed to do that! I wish I had known this earlier :P At this point, I'm feeling super smart that I figured it out! Okay I did it on accident but shhhhhh let me have my moment.
Well isn't that convenient :)
I quickly ball up the rest of the cookies and get done right as my dinger is going off. My first sheet of cookies has cooled. Time to taste my creation! They were pretty tasty. A little dry and hard, but hey it was my first time doing it and I was distracted! Maddie thought they were amazing and she had 4 of them. My neighbors also thought they were pretty good!
It wasn't until I was making dinner that I realized I totally left out a whole stick of butter. The recipe called for a cup of butter and for some reason I equated it with a stick of butter. Whoops! Now I know for next time (yep...this was pretty painless....I'll do it again!).
They are pretty at least!
Maddie's Cookies AKA HLV Sugar Cookies
1 cup Oil
1 cup Butter (yeah that's 2 sticks...FYI)
1 cup White Sugar
1 cup Powdered Sugar
2 Eggs
2 Teaspoons Vanilla
4 1/2 cups Flour
1 Teaspoon Baking Soda
1 Teaspoon Cream of Tartar
1/2 Teaspoon Salt
Cream oil, butter and sugars.
Add eggs and vanilla.
Add dry ingredients.
Roll into balls. Dip the ball in colored sugar and flatten with glass (or your hand if you are lazy like me).
When my husband and I decided to try for our second child, we considered many things. We wanted Maddie to have a sibling as we were both only children and we were both pretty lonely. We wanted her to have an ally in this tough lifestyle. We wanted her to have someone to play with, someone to fight with, someone she could always talk to. All things considered, we did not talk about the "simple" things, like how in the hell does one go grocery shopping with 2 children. Today I found out how.
I have been pretty lucky for the first 3 months. Dieter has been home. So he can keep tabs on Maddie. One time, Dieter pushed Mad in the cart and I wore Dexter. That worked pretty well. One time we kept Dex in his car seat and put him on top of the cart and then let Maddie walk beside us. That did not work out so well and resulted in Dieter sprinting down the aisles trying to catch her. At the moment, my husband is having the time of his life in some hotel suite in Virginia.....for two months. Hmmmph. For 3 months, I have been able to avoid going out with both kids for the most part (let's not talk about the whole having to take Tristan to the vet with Maddie AND Dex in tow....I didn't leave the apartment for 3 weeks after that one). After eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the past 2 days for both lunch and dinner, I decided I couldn't hold off any longer. I had to go grocery shopping.
So last night I made my meal plan and made a grocery list. I'm not even going to TRY to go without one :P The evil cretins let me sleep for the most part last night. Dexter woke me up around 6:30ish. Mad saw my light on and decided to come in and help me stay awake by putting her icy little pigs of death on my back. Thanks Mad.....love you too. I probably shouldn't have tried to go on a Saturday, but I'm so used to going on the weekends because usually that's the only time Dieter can help me. And well...I'm a creature of habit...so Saturday shopping day it is.
I seriously prepared for this trip most of the morning (yeah...I know how lame this sounds....I was really concerned about it). I started out by taking a shower, which I usually never shower in the morning. I usually like to wait until night so I can wash off the horrors of the day. :P So I showered, got dressed (at this point I have both a bra AND pants....big day for me right?!) and am feeling pretty optimistic. Oh, I also put on my wedding ring as to avoid being labeled "Another Whore of Babylon".....again. No lie. Some woman made a comment when I out shopping with Maddie and I was pregnant with Dex. I didn't have my ring on because my fingers were swollen. At the time, I wish I would have thought of a witty comeback. Although, I think my hysterical giggles offended her just as much. Anyway, I pick out an outfit for Mad. I put a pull up on her because...yeah not that brave....so potty training be damned. :) Then I take the sleeping Dexter out of his swing. It's about 9:45AMish. I change him and put on a fresh diaper, socks and his pants. Then I prop a bottle in his mouth (yeah bad mommy, but for some reason he actually drinks it faster this way....it can take him up to 2 hours if I'm holding him....drives me BONKERS!). I put a show on for Maddie and then pack "The Bag." I didn't want to take my huge honkin' diaper bag because I really didn't plan to be out for that long and I had prepped the kids as much as I could so I didn't feel I would need much. I spot Maddie's pretty pink princess backpack. That'll do! So I quickly shove some wipes, a couple Dexter diapers, a couple pull ups, a bottle, a pre-measured formula container, shopping list/pencil, and my wallet. I start zipping it and think nope I'm forgetting something! I put some goldfish crackers in a snack baggie and shove that in there as well. At last minute, I decide to throw a little thing of M&M's in there just in case (Future Renee be damned). Okay bag packed! Sorry Dex.....you and your penis are the minority here. Pink rules.
Dexter still is drinking his bottle so I go online and check my bank account and make sure I have enough money in my account for groceries. I would seriously cry if I made it all the way through shopping and then have my card get "declined." Dexter finally finishes his bottle. I put his shirt on, burp him, and strap him in his car seat. I go to put on Mad's coat and she is nowhere to be found. I find her by following the chunks of moon dough on the hallway carpet (thanks Mom and Dad :) ). She decided to go in her room and play with her moon dough. So 10 minutes later, I finally get Mad's coat on. Much to my surprise and relief, Dexter did not lose his shit after having to wait in the car seat for that long. He was actually quite cheerful. In fact, he was so happy to see that we were ready to go, he spit up all over himself. *sigh* Whatever...we are still going.
I like shopping Momma!
So I clean him up and we depart. I carry both Mad and Dex over the swamp that is our backyard and get both in the car. I jump in the car, buckle my seat belt, and think "Phew! So far so good." We didn't even get on the main street before Dex makes up for not losing his shit earlier. He freaks out. Apparently his hat slipped down and was over his eyes. I reached back and pulled it off but he is still freaking. My son hates the car. Of course, lucky me is stuck behind a bright red Dodge Viper that is going 5 miles an hour BELOW the speed limit of 35. Really? Come on. I know that car can go faster then that :P After having 2 babies who hate being in the car and usually scream at full strength, I fully believe that mothers should have emergency sirens on their cars. :) Nothing I can really do at this point, but turn up my Ipod and drown out the screams.
We reach our destination.....Wally World. I know I know....but I can wear my yoga pants and still look like pretty high class. I park next the cart corral. Most people are scared to do this. I find it to be a necessity. I get out, grab a cart and go back to the car. Next, I take off my jacket (it was kinda nice and sunny today...go Washington!) and put on my wrap. I'm getting REALLY good at putting this on now! We are talking less then a minute! With wrap in place, I go around and get Maddie out first. I find it super hard to lift her when Dex is in the wrap. I put her in the seat part of the cart. I push the cart around to the other side, unbuckle Dex, slip him into the wrap (where he proceeds to spit up on me...thanks buddy and like a true mother I wipe it off with a dry part of my shirt and pray no one is going to use me as a People of Walmart picture), grab the binkie and shut the car door. Of course, Dexter won't keep the binkie in his mouth. I want to keep it accessible. Decisions decisions.....where to put this where I won't lose it. I stick it in my cleavage and start walking to the front door. Two women passed by me and gave me a funny look. I smile back and tell them this is my first grocery store outing alone with 2 kids! They smile and give me the thumbs up and wish me luck! Dexter usually falls asleep within 2 minutes when he is in the wrap. Of course, he doesn't today. Today he is all excited to be looking at everything....to the point of pushing away from me. I'm trying really hard to trust this piece of fabric that is keeping my son from making acquaintance with the floor, but I'm slightly panicking. I keep checking the knot in the back. That baby isn't going anywhere. I try to relax.
I start in the toiletry section. Now that Dexter has made his grand appearance, I have to stock up for my little monthly "yay I'm not pregnant" celebrations. I also want to get some bubble bath for the kids and I thought I would bribe Mad with some nail polish if she was good. Yeah guess what. Someone thought it would be a GREAT idea to put the make up/nail polish/bubble bath section a good deal apart from the shampoo/tampon/toothbrush section. So, of course, I look a little lost before I figure this out and of course Maddie feels the need to inform me we have already been this way as loud as her little voice could go. Thanks Maddie. Well noted. We get the bubble bath and as Mad is picking out what nail polish she wants, I start to realize that I didn't put the wrap up high enough. Dexter is sinking. Well it feels like he's sinking. Maybe I'm crazy. The knot isn't moving. Dexter is having the time of his life, smiling and looking at everything. Maybe it's fine. But enough play...let's get shit down.
So I start. My list isn't that horrible. As I shop, I realize that it's really hard to actually do stuff with Dexter in the wrap. For those of you who haven't met me, I have boobs. No...that's not accurate. I have colossal milk bags of doom. I would say that after 2 children, they are about 10 lbs altogether. I still have not tried to find a bra that fits me properly, so I'm wearing one that is WAAAAAAAAY to small. It kinda makes me look like a Madonna wet dream. Oh yeah....the part that is in the bra is pointy. The rest is flowing out the sides and bottom. Either way, I would guesstimate they stick out a good 9-10 inches from my body. Now add a 12 lb baby. I have just become Renee the Shopping Tyrannosaurs Rex. I, seriously, am having problems reaching things, let alone properly putting them in the cart. I almost took out Dex trying to open the doors in the freezer section. I don't even really want to talk about how many times his poor butt got pushed against the cart handle. After a little trial and error, I decide the best way to do this is to PULL the cart. Mad has found the goldfish crackers so she could care less and I'm pretty sure I would notice/hear someone trying to take her out of the cart. This works for about 4 aisles, until I catch Maddie putting her unpurchased nail polish into the backpack. Okay little klepto....I'm on to you now. I start pushing the cart normally again.
I make it to the cereal aisle and realize Dexter is indeed slipping. My back can tell that part of the 22 lbs in the front upper section of my body isn't right. I just want to be done. I'm sweating because Dex is a little furnace. This causes me to realize that I forgot deodrant. Oh well at least now I fit in at classy old Walmart. I begin shopping like a mad woman. I throw things into the cart. Ooops? That item on the list was on the aisle we just finished in. Too late. We've gone to far past now. *LOL* At the end (the fruit/veggie) section, I'm just throwing things in the cart, list be damned. Dexter has slid down so far that his head is resting in between the colossal milk bags of doom, where he found his binkie all on his own!! See that was a good decision! :)
Checking out took forever. If I thought putting things in the cart was hard, taking things out and putting them on the conveyor belt was harder. Much harder. Poor Dexter. I'm surprised he doesn't have bruises. One of my items has no bar code. That hasn't happened to me in years. Of course it would happen today. Lucky for me it was one of the last items I put in, so the clerk didn't have to go far. I pay and start for the door. Maddie really has been amazing in all of this. We didn't even need the M&M's. As we leave, she tells everyone goodbye and as we get reach the door, she yells, "GOODBYE WALMART!!!!!" It was pretty adorable. I race for the car! I open it and put Dex in first. My back sings. Then I put all the bags in the car, run the cart back to the corral, carry Mad back and put her in.
I was very tempted to celebrate my victory with a fast food lunch, but you would be proud. I didn't. I went straight home. Mad passed out on the way. Dexter was his usual screaming self. I droned him out with some 'Bad Romance.' It took me 5 back and forth trips to get all the kids and bags in the apartment. I think I got most of the things on my list. There were a couple of things that Maddie must have thrown in when I wasn't looking (I'm pretty sure Spongebob Foaming Handsoap was NOT on my list), but I can deal with that. All in all, it wasn't that bad. I was just so exhausted and my back was super pissed off at me.
After that I was pretty much worthless all day. Dieter actually woke me up this afternoon by calling me on Skype. He spent about 45 minutes telling me about his last night drunken adventures and today's sightseeing escapades in Washington DC. Then he asked me why I looked so tired and defeated. Oh the joys of motherhood. :P
I'm not a fan of seriousness. I love making people laugh. It is a powerful thing. However, some recent events are taking up way to much space in my head. What better place to think things out then here in my shiny new blog? So this is going to be one of those serious, pondering posts. Bare with me! :)
Yesterday was a very rough day for me. My husband is gone, yet again, for a 2 month training course clear across the country. This is the first time that my husband has been gone leaving me with our 2 children (2 years and 3 months old). My daughter is the poster child for the terrible twos. She is defiant. She does not listen. She is, all in all, very trying. Don't get me wrong, we have great days! We have days where we get along splendidly. Those days are easy. Those days I rarely talk about because I feel great after those days. Usually on those days, I have gotten something accomplished or my daughter shows me that she has been listening after all. Then there are the hard days. The days when no words come out of her mouth, only long strung together whines. The days when she flat out refuses to eat, yet screams for candy. The days when she runs screaming down the hallway with me close behind trying catch the poop that is flying out of her underwear because I dared to suggest to her that it is gross to sit in poop. Of course while I'm running this 10 meter sprint, my infant son is screaming because I dared to put him down on his playmat. I'm sure the sound barrier has been broken in my house several times. Yesterday was one of those days.
On rough days, I need to vent. I need release. I would love to scream endlessly in a padded room or maybe punch a giant punching bag in order to release some of this pent up tension. I have neither of these things. I wanted to turn to my husband for a hug and a snuggle and some loving words, but he is not home. So, I turn to Facebook and just let it out:
My daughter is dead to me today. In the 15 minutes, it took me to clean up/deal with a Dexter blowout, she
-called 3 people and deleted my outgoing cell phone message (which goes against the strict rule of NOT touching Mommy's phone). -went "incognito" in google chrome and screwed with my internet settings (which goes against the "don't touch the computer without Mommy present rule). -managed to dump and pull out all the toys that I had picked up in the living room (um yeah I think I touched on the pick up your frickin' toys and keep them out of my living room rule already today)
-went in my spice drawer and took out at least 5 spices. One of which she managed to open and dump all over my kitchen floor (which violates the keep your little toddler ass out of my kitchen rule)
-got her markers down (umm yeah I thought I put them out of her reach...which mean she climbed on the bookshelves) and proceeded to take all of them out and take the lids off and just leave them (which I just told her like 2 hours ago that she needed to stop doing and why they were put up out of her reach in the first place.)
Of course WHILE she was doing all this she shit her panties.
I fucking HATE toddlers. I ordered birthday presents for her today....but I'm not sure if she will even make it to three.
I vented. I said things that I would never want to say to my little girl's face. I yelled (well not really...I barely used any capitals other then a few words). I swore (which swearing is a wonderful release by the way!). I said everything I was FEELING at the time and just let it all out and I pushed POST! Instantly, I felt better. All that negative energy left my body and were now just words floating in cyber space. I could BREATHE again.
Most people know me. Most people know a vent when they see one. They know that I'm not going to kill my daughter. After all, how many parents have used the "if you ever act like that again I swear to god you will not make it to (their upcoming age). All I know is I am not the first, nor will I be the last. At first, the replies were appropriate. People sharing their own horror stories, people laughing at my misfortune, people telling me to hang in there. Then this gem is posted.
Wow. Did you actually want kids? Did you think they would just jump from 6 mo to kindergarten? :P Sorry to be the finger-wagging one, but I know there are many, many people unable to have kids that would love to take her off your hands for you.
In all fairness, perhaps I could have worded my thoughts differently. I hate toddlerhood. I do not hate my daughter. I hate the stage that she is going through. It drains my every last nerve. However, like I said, I was venting. I typed what was in my head at that very moment so that it could get out of there...so all that frustration and anger could get out and calmness and patience could slowly find their way back in. I have read and reread my vent MANY times. I do not see where I ever expressed any desire to not have my children.
Then I did what I thought was an "adult" way to handle this. I put this person (this very sweet and usually really nice person) on my restricted list. Obviously, my ventings bother them. This way I can vent safely and they don't have to read my posts. Also it protects the person from being attacked. My Facebook friends are my friends for a reason. We may not see eye to eye in every single thing but usually we have similar ideas on one thing or another. As I suspected, the friends who feel similar (dislike dealing with toddlers) let this person have it, however I think (or at least hope) that I put them on my restricted list in time.
I did not do this to be sneaky. I flat out told everyone what I did. I called the person a unicorn. According to one of my favorite message boards the definition is as follows:
Unicorn = a unicorn is a magical being that poops rainbows as it spreads the idea and misconception that there is truly good in everyone and relatives are entitled to crap all over you simply by virtue of the randomness that is the genetic pool.
In my instance, it is a person who places parenting up on this giant pedestal. They are people who think you should never complain, never have bad days and never vent apparently. These are the people who commonly say "I never want to spend a single moment away from my kids because every single second is precious." Apparently, these parents have never chased a 2 year old down the hallway with poop chunks flying out of their underwear :P Now don't get me wrong. I find a lot of humor in my daughter. Toddler antics can be quite amusing. Yesterday, however, my daughter's naughtiness came out in full force and I was not amused.
Right as I started to doubt my feelings and question my parenting, replies start posting. Other mothers sharing that they felt the same way about their toddlers. I was overwhelmed with messages (on my wall and through private messages) from other mothers who were like "Thank you! I have often felt this way but I didn't want to say anything."
So now I ask you? Were my parenting skills really what was being questioned or just the fact that I voiced what I was really feeling out loud and demeaned this sacred act of parenthood? Either way I felt the matter was closed. I went to bed untroubled that night and got as much sleep as my 3 month old son would allow me to have.
Today was a better day. My daughter was being much more agreeable. She even told me I was awesome. We were having a good day. Then I go to check my Facebook during lunch and I find this.
"I am VERY proud to be considered one of your "unicorns" who got blocked after sticking up for your poor kids!"
Umm okay. Yes, this was a person I put on my restricted list on another occasion. I believe this person made some comment along the lines that if I had time to complain about my children then I had time to spend with them. Considering the fact that I am a stay at home mom, that was kinda below the belt don't you think? But back to the current comment.....what mother would say that to another mother? I fail to see how my venting on Facebook is detrimental to my children. If anything I think it protects them because it allows me to vent my anger in a constructive manner AWAY FROM MY CHILDREN so that I do not become angry and take it out on them. This particular poster has not seen me in almost 10 years. In all the times, that this person was my Facebook friend, they NEVER commented on the positive things I had shared with Facebook. They chose to only comment on a couple of negative ones that I had. But I'm getting away from the topic at hand.
This comment confused me. Why are my children to be pitied? They have a loving home with both a mother and father who care for them very much. They have food in their bellies and clothes on their back (now whether or not my daughter keeps these clothes on is neither here nor there :) ). They have a mother who plays with them everyday. A mother who stays home so that they always have someone to be there for them (which is kind of a big deal since their father is gone quite often). They have a mother who spends a good part of her day and night trying to make sure that they become good little people. They have little friends that they can play with. Hell, my 3 month old has a girlfriend already. :) Every night, they are bathed and read to (3...4...5...books because they have a mommy who has a great love of reading and finds it hard to say no when she is asked to read another). They are tucked in with promises of a good day tomorrow. Every night, they receive a kiss on the forehead and the hope of sweet dreams. Why are they "poor" children? Shouldn't they be children who should be envied?
People like this scare me. People like this are the ones that call child protective services because you aren't doing things exactly how THEY want you to. How dare I complain about my children! How dare I not love every minute! How dare I not relish the moment when they are screaming at me and it is taking every ounce of effort in my body not to scream back at them.
I was thinking, what if CPS was called on me today? What would they find? Well, the door would be answered by a very tired mommy in pajama pants and shirt with no bra and a 2 year old wearing only a shirt and panties. They might be overwhelmed by the warmth coming from my apartment because instead of fighting to keep clothes on my daughter I just turn the heat up instead. That way, at the very least, she won't freeze. Maddie's fingers are covered with various marker colors. She has bruises on her knees from her little adventures that she makes up. She would smile and show them the little dragon we just grew in water together. They would find a living room cluttered with toys. They would find my son laying on a boppy with a pink cover because I keep forgetting to wash the other "boy" cover I have. Dex is still in his sleep sack and he still has milk mouth because my daughter needed to show me something and I didn't wipe it off yet. He is smiling and giggling up a storm because...well that is what Dex does. There is a small pile of diapers beside my couch because my son is having a "let's poop in every diaper" day today. My kitchen is MOSTLY clean. There are some dishes in the sink, clean ones in the dishwasher, and freshly drying bottles and nipples on the counter. They would see a slightly cloudy fish tank because I haven't changed Mr. Bubbles' water this week. Sorry Mr. Bubbles! They wouldn't see a lot of food as I was waiting for payday to go get groceries, but they would see my meal plan and my grocery list that I have on the counter. They would see a dining table that has a large array of crayons, coloring books and dominoes scattered all over it. There are little chunks of drying playdoh on the plastic tablecloth I put underneath the table. Whoops...forgot to sweep those up! Next to the table they will see a little plastic "dresser" filled with workbooks, coloring books, and things for various art projects. Down the hall, they would see my bathroom. Ugg. Which I did clean the other day, but I forgot to wipe the edges down. Whoops...I'll add that to my list of things to do for tomorrow. As they walk down my hallway, they would hear my dryer going...drying all my daughter's clothes because Wednesday is the day I do HER laundry. They would see her room that is full of toys and books. They would see my room. They would find an unmade bed with several stuffed animals that my daughter snuck in with her when she crept into my room like a ninja last night to snuggle with me. They would see that damn hairball that my cat barfed up a few days ago. I keep going out to the kitchen with the intention of bringing back paper towels and then I get distracted. I don't remember until I'm in bed and see it and think "Crap I forgot that hairball...well I'll get to it tomorrow."
Then they could ask Maddie questions. I'm sure she would tell them that I spank her butt when she is naughty, but I would hope that she would also repeat the fact that she thinks I'm awesome.
So all in all, CPS would be welcomed into my home. I have no problem telling them that I love my daughter and son unconditionally, however there are some days when I do not like them. Would they take my children because of this? I really don't think so. At least I hope they wouldn't. I would hope that they would be annoyed that they had to come and waste their time when they could be actually saving a child from being abused.
After all that self reflection, I still do not see why my children are to be pitied and why I'm being villainized. So I ask you this:
Is it because of the words that I actually said or is it because I actually had the balls to say them?
