I have been pretty lucky for the first 3 months. Dieter has been home. So he can keep tabs on Maddie. One time, Dieter pushed Mad in the cart and I wore Dexter. That worked pretty well. One time we kept Dex in his car seat and put him on top of the cart and then let Maddie walk beside us. That did not work out so well and resulted in Dieter sprinting down the aisles trying to catch her. At the moment, my husband is having the time of his life in some hotel suite in Virginia.....for two months. Hmmmph. For 3 months, I have been able to avoid going out with both kids for the most part (let's not talk about the whole having to take Tristan to the vet with Maddie AND Dex in tow....I didn't leave the apartment for 3 weeks after that one). After eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the past 2 days for both lunch and dinner, I decided I couldn't hold off any longer. I had to go grocery shopping.
So last night I made my meal plan and made a grocery list. I'm not even going to TRY to go without one :P The evil cretins let me sleep for the most part last night. Dexter woke me up around 6:30ish. Mad saw my light on and decided to come in and help me stay awake by putting her icy little pigs of death on my back. Thanks Mad.....love you too. I probably shouldn't have tried to go on a Saturday, but I'm so used to going on the weekends because usually that's the only time Dieter can help me. And well...I'm a creature of habit...so Saturday shopping day it is.
I seriously prepared for this trip most of the morning (yeah...I know how lame this sounds....I was really concerned about it). I started out by taking a shower, which I usually never shower in the morning. I usually like to wait until night so I can wash off the horrors of the day. :P So I showered, got dressed (at this point I have both a bra AND pants....big day for me right?!) and am feeling pretty optimistic. Oh, I also put on my wedding ring as to avoid being labeled "Another Whore of Babylon".....again. No lie. Some woman made a comment when I out shopping with Maddie and I was pregnant with Dex. I didn't have my ring on because my fingers were swollen. At the time, I wish I would have thought of a witty comeback. Although, I think my hysterical giggles offended her just as much. Anyway, I pick out an outfit for Mad. I put a pull up on her because...yeah not that brave....so potty training be damned. :) Then I take the sleeping Dexter out of his swing. It's about 9:45AMish. I change him and put on a fresh diaper, socks and his pants. Then I prop a bottle in his mouth (yeah bad mommy, but for some reason he actually drinks it faster this way....it can take him up to 2 hours if I'm holding him....drives me BONKERS!). I put a show on for Maddie and then pack "The Bag." I didn't want to take my huge honkin' diaper bag because I really didn't plan to be out for that long and I had prepped the kids as much as I could so I didn't feel I would need much. I spot Maddie's pretty pink princess backpack. That'll do! So I quickly shove some wipes, a couple Dexter diapers, a couple pull ups, a bottle, a pre-measured formula container, shopping list/pencil, and my wallet. I start zipping it and think nope I'm forgetting something! I put some goldfish crackers in a snack baggie and shove that in there as well. At last minute, I decide to throw a little thing of M&M's in there just in case (Future Renee be damned). Okay bag packed! Sorry Dex.....you and your penis are the minority here. Pink rules.
Dexter still is drinking his bottle so I go online and check my bank account and make sure I have enough money in my account for groceries. I would seriously cry if I made it all the way through shopping and then have my card get "declined." Dexter finally finishes his bottle. I put his shirt on, burp him, and strap him in his car seat. I go to put on Mad's coat and she is nowhere to be found. I find her by following the chunks of moon dough on the hallway carpet (thanks Mom and Dad :) ). She decided to go in her room and play with her moon dough. So 10 minutes later, I finally get Mad's coat on. Much to my surprise and relief, Dexter did not lose his shit after having to wait in the car seat for that long. He was actually quite cheerful. In fact, he was so happy to see that we were ready to go, he spit up all over himself. *sigh* Whatever...we are still going.
I like shopping Momma!
So I clean him up and we depart. I carry both Mad and Dex over the swamp that is our backyard and get both in the car. I jump in the car, buckle my seat belt, and think "Phew! So far so good." We didn't even get on the main street before Dex makes up for not losing his shit earlier. He freaks out. Apparently his hat slipped down and was over his eyes. I reached back and pulled it off but he is still freaking. My son hates the car. Of course, lucky me is stuck behind a bright red Dodge Viper that is going 5 miles an hour BELOW the speed limit of 35. Really? Come on. I know that car can go faster then that :P After having 2 babies who hate being in the car and usually scream at full strength, I fully believe that mothers should have emergency sirens on their cars. :) Nothing I can really do at this point, but turn up my Ipod and drown out the screams.
We reach our destination.....Wally World. I know I know....but I can wear my yoga pants and still look like pretty high class. I park next the cart corral. Most people are scared to do this. I find it to be a necessity. I get out, grab a cart and go back to the car. Next, I take off my jacket (it was kinda nice and sunny today...go Washington!) and put on my wrap. I'm getting REALLY good at putting this on now! We are talking less then a minute! With wrap in place, I go around and get Maddie out first. I find it super hard to lift her when Dex is in the wrap. I put her in the seat part of the cart. I push the cart around to the other side, unbuckle Dex, slip him into the wrap (where he proceeds to spit up on me...thanks buddy and like a true mother I wipe it off with a dry part of my shirt and pray no one is going to use me as a People of Walmart picture), grab the binkie and shut the car door. Of course, Dexter won't keep the binkie in his mouth. I want to keep it accessible. Decisions decisions.....where to put this where I won't lose it. I stick it in my cleavage and start walking to the front door. Two women passed by me and gave me a funny look. I smile back and tell them this is my first grocery store outing alone with 2 kids! They smile and give me the thumbs up and wish me luck! Dexter usually falls asleep within 2 minutes when he is in the wrap. Of course, he doesn't today. Today he is all excited to be looking at everything....to the point of pushing away from me. I'm trying really hard to trust this piece of fabric that is keeping my son from making acquaintance with the floor, but I'm slightly panicking. I keep checking the knot in the back. That baby isn't going anywhere. I try to relax.
I start in the toiletry section. Now that Dexter has made his grand appearance, I have to stock up for my little monthly "yay I'm not pregnant" celebrations. I also want to get some bubble bath for the kids and I thought I would bribe Mad with some nail polish if she was good. Yeah guess what. Someone thought it would be a GREAT idea to put the make up/nail polish/bubble bath section a good deal apart from the shampoo/tampon/toothbrush section. So, of course, I look a little lost before I figure this out and of course Maddie feels the need to inform me we have already been this way as loud as her little voice could go. Thanks Maddie. Well noted. We get the bubble bath and as Mad is picking out what nail polish she wants, I start to realize that I didn't put the wrap up high enough. Dexter is sinking. Well it feels like he's sinking. Maybe I'm crazy. The knot isn't moving. Dexter is having the time of his life, smiling and looking at everything. Maybe it's fine. But enough play...let's get shit down.
So I start. My list isn't that horrible. As I shop, I realize that it's really hard to actually do stuff with Dexter in the wrap. For those of you who haven't met me, I have boobs. No...that's not accurate. I have colossal milk bags of doom. I would say that after 2 children, they are about 10 lbs altogether. I still have not tried to find a bra that fits me properly, so I'm wearing one that is WAAAAAAAAY to small. It kinda makes me look like a Madonna wet dream. Oh yeah....the part that is in the bra is pointy. The rest is flowing out the sides and bottom. Either way, I would guesstimate they stick out a good 9-10 inches from my body. Now add a 12 lb baby. I have just become Renee the Shopping Tyrannosaurs Rex. I, seriously, am having problems reaching things, let alone properly putting them in the cart. I almost took out Dex trying to open the doors in the freezer section. I don't even really want to talk about how many times his poor butt got pushed against the cart handle. After a little trial and error, I decide the best way to do this is to PULL the cart. Mad has found the goldfish crackers so she could care less and I'm pretty sure I would notice/hear someone trying to take her out of the cart. This works for about 4 aisles, until I catch Maddie putting her unpurchased nail polish into the backpack. Okay little klepto....I'm on to you now. I start pushing the cart normally again.
I make it to the cereal aisle and realize Dexter is indeed slipping. My back can tell that part of the 22 lbs in the front upper section of my body isn't right. I just want to be done. I'm sweating because Dex is a little furnace. This causes me to realize that I forgot deodrant. Oh well at least now I fit in at classy old Walmart. I begin shopping like a mad woman. I throw things into the cart. Ooops? That item on the list was on the aisle we just finished in. Too late. We've gone to far past now. *LOL* At the end (the fruit/veggie) section, I'm just throwing things in the cart, list be damned. Dexter has slid down so far that his head is resting in between the colossal milk bags of doom, where he found his binkie all on his own!! See that was a good decision! :)
Checking out took forever. If I thought putting things in the cart was hard, taking things out and putting them on the conveyor belt was harder. Much harder. Poor Dexter. I'm surprised he doesn't have bruises. One of my items has no bar code. That hasn't happened to me in years. Of course it would happen today. Lucky for me it was one of the last items I put in, so the clerk didn't have to go far. I pay and start for the door. Maddie really has been amazing in all of this. We didn't even need the M&M's. As we leave, she tells everyone goodbye and as we get reach the door, she yells, "GOODBYE WALMART!!!!!" It was pretty adorable. I race for the car! I open it and put Dex in first. My back sings. Then I put all the bags in the car, run the cart back to the corral, carry Mad back and put her in.
I was very tempted to celebrate my victory with a fast food lunch, but you would be proud. I didn't. I went straight home. Mad passed out on the way. Dexter was his usual screaming self. I droned him out with some 'Bad Romance.' It took me 5 back and forth trips to get all the kids and bags in the apartment. I think I got most of the things on my list. There were a couple of things that Maddie must have thrown in when I wasn't looking (I'm pretty sure Spongebob Foaming Handsoap was NOT on my list), but I can deal with that. All in all, it wasn't that bad. I was just so exhausted and my back was super pissed off at me.
After that I was pretty much worthless all day. Dieter actually woke me up this afternoon by calling me on Skype. He spent about 45 minutes telling me about his last night drunken adventures and today's sightseeing escapades in Washington DC. Then he asked me why I looked so tired and defeated. Oh the joys of motherhood. :P
I think you did well, friend! Thank goodness for one stop shopping at Walmart. :-)
ReplyDelete-Liz