My Poor Children

I'm not a fan of seriousness.  I love making people laugh.  It is a powerful thing.  However, some recent events are taking up way to much space in my head.  What better place to think things out then here in my shiny new blog?  So this is going to be one of those serious, pondering posts.  Bare with me!  :)


Yesterday was a very rough day for me.  My husband is gone, yet again, for a 2 month training course clear across the country.  This is the first time that my husband has been gone leaving me with our 2 children (2 years and 3 months old).  My daughter is the poster child for the terrible twos.  She is defiant.  She does not listen.  She is, all in all, very trying.  Don't get me wrong, we have great days!  We have days where we get along splendidly.  Those days are easy.  Those days I rarely talk about because I feel great after those days.  Usually on those days, I have gotten something accomplished or my daughter shows me that she has been listening after all.  Then there are the hard days.  The days when no words come out of her mouth, only long strung together whines.  The days when she flat out refuses to eat, yet screams for candy.  The days when she runs screaming down the hallway with me close behind trying catch the poop that is flying out of her underwear because I dared to suggest to her that it is gross to sit in poop.  Of course while I'm running this 10 meter sprint, my infant son is screaming because I dared to put him down on his playmat.  I'm sure the sound barrier has been broken in my house several times.  Yesterday was one of those days.


On rough days, I need to vent.  I need release.  I would love to scream endlessly in a padded room or maybe punch a giant punching bag in order to release some of this pent up tension.  I have neither of these things.  I wanted to turn to my husband for a hug and a snuggle and some loving words, but he is not home.  So, I turn to Facebook and just let it out:


My daughter is dead to me today. 
In the 15 minutes, it took me to clean up/deal with a Dexter blowout, she


-called 3 people and deleted my outgoing cell phone message (which goes against the strict rule of NOT touching Mommy's phone).
-went "incognito" in google chrome and screwed with my internet settings (which goes against the "don't touch the computer without Mommy present rule).
-managed to dump and pull out all the toys that I had picked up in the living room (um yeah I think I touched on the pick up your frickin' toys and keep them out of my living room rule already today)
-went in my spice drawer and took out at least 5 spices. One of which she managed to open and dump all over my kitchen floor (which violates the keep your little toddler ass out of my kitchen rule)
-got her markers down (umm yeah I thought I put them out of her reach...which mean she climbed on the bookshelves) and proceeded to take all of them out and take the lids off and just leave them (which I just told her like 2 hours ago that she needed to stop doing and why they were put up out of her reach in the first place.)

Of course WHILE she was doing all this she shit her panties.

I fucking HATE toddlers. I ordered birthday presents for her today....but I'm not sure if she will even make it to three.


I vented.  I said things that I would never want to say to my little girl's face.  I yelled (well not really...I barely used any capitals other then a few words).  I swore (which swearing is a wonderful release by the way!).  I said everything I was FEELING at the time and just let it all out and I pushed POST!  Instantly, I felt better.  All that negative energy left my body and were now just words floating in cyber space.  I could BREATHE again.  


Most people know me.  Most people know a vent when they see one.  They know that I'm not going to kill my daughter.  After all, how many parents have used the "if you ever act like that again I swear to god you will not make it to (their upcoming age).  All I know is I am not the first, nor will I be the last.  At first, the replies were appropriate.  People sharing their own horror stories, people laughing at my misfortune, people telling me to hang in there.  Then this gem is posted.


Wow. Did you actually want kids? Did you think they would just jump from 6 mo to kindergarten? :P Sorry to be the finger-wagging one, but I know there are many, many people unable to have kids that would love to take her off your hands for you.


In all fairness, perhaps I could have worded my thoughts differently.  I hate toddlerhood.  I do not hate my daughter.  I hate the stage that she is going through.  It drains my every last nerve.  However, like I said, I was venting.  I typed what was in my head at that very moment so that it could get out of there...so all that frustration and anger could get out and calmness and patience could slowly find their way back in.  I have read and reread my vent MANY times.  I do not see where I ever expressed any desire to not have my children.


Then I did what I thought was an "adult" way to handle this.  I put this person (this very sweet and usually really nice person) on my restricted list.  Obviously, my ventings bother them.  This way I can vent safely and they don't have to read my posts.  Also it protects the person from being attacked.  My Facebook friends are my friends for a reason.  We may not see eye to eye in every single thing but usually we have similar ideas on one thing or another.  As I suspected, the friends who feel similar (dislike dealing with toddlers) let this person have it, however I think (or at least hope) that I put them on my restricted list in time.


I did not do this to be sneaky.  I flat out told everyone what I did.  I called the person a unicorn.  According to one of my favorite message boards the definition is as follows:


Unicorn = a unicorn is a magical being that poops rainbows as it spreads the idea and misconception that there is truly good in everyone and relatives are entitled to crap all over you simply by virtue of the randomness that is the genetic pool. 


In my instance, it is a person who places parenting up on this giant pedestal.  They are people who think you should never complain, never have bad days and never vent apparently.  These are the people who commonly say "I never want to spend a single moment away from my kids because every single second is precious."  Apparently, these parents have never chased a 2 year old down the hallway with poop chunks flying out of their underwear :P  Now don't get me wrong.  I find a lot of humor in my daughter.  Toddler antics can be quite amusing.  Yesterday, however, my daughter's naughtiness came out in full force and I was not amused.


Right as I started to doubt my feelings and question my parenting, replies start posting.  Other mothers sharing that they felt the same way about their toddlers.  I was overwhelmed with messages (on my wall and through private messages) from other mothers who were like "Thank you!  I have often felt this way but I didn't want to say anything."  


So now I ask you?  Were my parenting skills really what was being questioned or just the fact that I voiced what I was really feeling out loud and demeaned this sacred act of parenthood?  Either way I felt the matter was closed.  I went to bed untroubled that night and got as much sleep as my 3 month old son would allow me to have.


Today was a better day.  My daughter was being much more agreeable.  She even told me I was awesome.  We were having a good day.  Then I go to check my Facebook during lunch and I find this.


"I am VERY proud to be considered one of your "unicorns" who got blocked after sticking up for your poor kids!" 


Umm okay.  Yes, this was a person I put on my restricted list on another occasion.  I believe this person made some comment along the lines that if I had time to complain about my children then I had time to spend with them.  Considering the fact that I am a stay at home mom, that was kinda below the belt don't you think?    But back to the current comment.....what mother would say that to another mother?  I fail to see how my venting on Facebook is detrimental to my children.  If anything I think it protects them because it allows me to vent my anger in a constructive manner AWAY FROM MY CHILDREN so that I do not become angry and take it out on them.  This particular poster has not seen me in almost 10 years.  In all the times, that this person was my Facebook friend, they NEVER commented on the positive things I had shared with Facebook.    They chose to only comment on a couple of negative ones that I had.  But I'm getting away from the topic at hand.


This comment confused me.  Why are my children to be pitied?  They have a loving home with both a mother and father who care for them very much.  They have food in their bellies and clothes on their back (now whether or not my daughter keeps these clothes on is neither here nor there :) ).  They have a mother who plays with them everyday.  A mother who stays home so that they always have someone to be there for them (which is kind of a big deal since their father is gone quite often).   They have a mother who spends a good part of her day and night trying to make sure that they become good little people.  They have little friends that they can play with.  Hell, my 3 month old has a girlfriend already.  :)  Every night, they are bathed and read to (3...4...5...books because they have a mommy who has a great love of reading and finds it hard to say no when she is asked to read another).  They are tucked in with promises of a good day tomorrow.  Every night, they receive a kiss on the forehead and the hope of sweet dreams.  Why are they "poor" children?  Shouldn't they be children who should be envied?  


People like this scare me.  People like this are the ones that call child protective services because you aren't doing things exactly how THEY want you to.  How dare I complain about my children!  How dare I not love every minute!  How dare I not relish the moment when they are screaming at me and it is taking every ounce of effort in my body not to scream back at them.  


I was thinking, what if CPS was called on me today?  What would they find?  Well, the door would be answered by a very tired mommy in pajama pants and shirt with no bra and a 2 year old wearing only a shirt and panties.  They might be overwhelmed by the warmth coming from my apartment because instead of fighting to keep clothes on my daughter I just turn the heat up instead.  That way, at the very least, she won't freeze.  Maddie's fingers are covered with various marker colors.  She has bruises on her knees from her little adventures that she makes up.  She would smile and show them the little dragon we just grew in water together.  They would find a living room cluttered with toys.  They would find my son laying on a boppy with a pink cover because I keep forgetting to wash the other "boy" cover I have.  Dex is still in his sleep sack and he still has milk mouth because my daughter needed to show me something and I didn't wipe it off yet.  He is smiling and giggling up a storm because...well that is what Dex does.  There is a small pile of diapers beside my couch because my son is having a "let's poop in every diaper" day today.  My kitchen is MOSTLY clean.  There are some dishes in the sink, clean ones in the dishwasher, and freshly drying bottles and nipples on the counter.  They would see a slightly cloudy fish tank because I haven't changed Mr. Bubbles' water this week.  Sorry Mr. Bubbles!  They wouldn't see a lot of food as I was waiting for payday to go get groceries, but they would see my meal plan and my grocery list that I have on the counter. They would see a dining table that has a large array of crayons, coloring books and dominoes scattered all over it.  There are little chunks of drying playdoh on the plastic tablecloth I put underneath the table.  Whoops...forgot to sweep those up!  Next to the table they will see a little plastic "dresser" filled with workbooks, coloring books, and things for various art projects.  Down the hall, they would see my bathroom.  Ugg.  Which I did clean the other day, but I forgot to wipe the edges down.  Whoops...I'll add that to my list of things to do for tomorrow.  As they walk down my hallway, they would hear my dryer going...drying all my daughter's clothes because Wednesday is the day I do HER laundry.  They would see her room that is full of toys and books.  They would see my room.  They would find an unmade bed with several stuffed animals that my daughter snuck in with her when she crept into my room like a ninja last night to snuggle with me.  They would see that damn hairball that my cat barfed up a few days ago.  I keep going out to the kitchen with the intention of bringing back paper towels and then I get distracted.  I don't remember until I'm in bed and see it and think "Crap I forgot that hairball...well I'll get to it tomorrow."   


Then they could ask Maddie questions.  I'm sure she would tell them that I spank her butt when she is naughty, but I would hope that she would also repeat the fact that she thinks I'm awesome.  


So all in all, CPS would be welcomed into my home.  I have no problem telling them that I love my daughter and son unconditionally, however there are some days when I do not like them.  Would they take my children because of this?  I really don't think so.  At least I hope they wouldn't.  I would hope that they would be annoyed that they had to come and waste their time when they could be actually saving a child from being abused.


After all that self reflection, I still do not see why my children are to be pitied and why I'm being villainized.  So I ask you this: 


 Is it because of the words that I actually said or is it because I actually had the balls to say them?