Breast Reduction Journey: Part 1 - The History of Boobs

So most of you who read my blog are all friends who know me.  So it comes as no surprise when I say I have boobs.  I have referred to them as "colossal milk bags of doom."  This isn't a new problem.  I've always had huge boobs.  I remember wearing underwire bras in Jr. High.  I remember getting ready for school in the morning and dressing in front of a mirror and thinking, "My breasts are so ugly."  You can ask my mother how stressful it was to go prom dress shopping with me.  There was always a battle between finding something that was cute, yet practical so I could wear a special bra because there was no way I could ever go without one.  Swimsuit shopping would always end in tears and I was always limited to a black one piece that would hopefully I wouldn't pop out of.  Getting new show choir dresses was pretty traumatic.  We went from tuxedo shirts and flowing skirts to fitted red disasters that only looked great on one body type.  It was made even worse when a teacher made an inappropriate comment about how I didn't look good in the dress because my breasts were so big.  High school is also the time when I first started to have back problems.  I remember sitting on my stool in band thinking I was going to pass out from the pain of back spasms.  

My first two years of college were slighter better.  People obviously noticed them, but I didn't get a lot of comments.  I had a lot of support from my friends.  Literally.  They would offer to walk behind me and hold them up as to give my back a break!  I love my friends!   :)  Shakespearean Theatre class was probably my favorite class because I got to wear a corset.  I mean a REAL corset with whale bones.  It was the only time I felt any real relief because the corset did ALL the work that my back had to do.  Unfortunately, the professor knew this and made me personally turn mine in at the end of class every time.  ;)  I would have worn that thing all day if she had let me.  My back spasms got worse.

Then I dropped out of school for a year, regrouped and started going to ISU with Dieter.  And well....boys make you fat.  I did gain a bunch of weight from always eating at the food court.  I started WW with a few friends and I actually lost 30 lbs the first time around.  Guess what.  My bra size stayed the same.  At this point, they had become more of a side show.  People always stare.  If I went to the bar, I couldn't go to the bathroom without being groped by random drunk girls.  Always the same questions.  What size are those?  Are those real?  Can I touch them?  Can you wait here so my friends can touch them?  

After several threats (ha ha), Dieter finally proposed!  Yay!  I was going to get married.  A good friend went "wedding dress" (it was just a JOP ditty so I just wanted a "nice" outfit) shopping with me.  I told her to be prepared for a lot of dressing room meltdowns because between my weight and my breast size there would be lots of tears.  She thought I was joking.  She is now scarred for life and I'm pretty sure that she will never go clothes shopping with me again.  Sorry Wendy!  :)  

I believe it was June 2006 when I actually had a real consultation with a plastic surgeon about my breasts.  The guy was super nice and had a wicked sense of humor.  I remember sitting on a table after about 4 people had touched my breasts.  He walked in and pretended to faint.  He then said, "Oh my goodness girl.  How can you even stay upright?"  I replied, "What?  You mean I can't go bigger?"  "Oh sweetheart if you were any bigger, you would get knocked over by a stiff breeze."  I liked him instantly.  He told me that just by LOOKING at my breasts that he would be able to remove about 2-3 lbs from each breast.  Think about that for a minute.  2-3 lbs from each breast.  And still have boob left over.  I told him that I was trying really hard to lose weight and I had lost several pounds.  He told me that it really wouldn't matter because I don't have a lot of fat tissue in my breasts.  I have mostly mammary tissue.  Which means I could could get to my goal weight and still have giant boobs.  He was very gung ho about this surgery and how I would feel so much better and how he really wanted to help me.  Unfortunately, I was 6 months from being kicked off my parents insurance.  I kept calling the plastic surgeon and they kept telling me that they had submitted all the paperwork on their end but they never heard back from the insurance company.  Either way, it never worked out because Dieter ended up being stationed in WA and we moved away.  I was in a strange new place where I knew no one, let alone someone who could refer me to a good plastic surgeon so it was put on hold.

It's now 2012.  I have two children now.  They are now out of control.

Yep.  That is a picture when I was 3ish months pregnant with Dex.  I was wearing a bra that was way too small.  I still wear that bra by the way because I really know of no place that actually carries bras that big.  I really can't afford to just by bras cold on the internet, try on a bunch and then send back the ones that don't fit.  While I was pregnant, I put my measurements into an online bra measurement calculator.  Now I'm pretty confident that the number is wrong because I couldn't get a good measurement but it said 50G.  Umm....yeah....pretty sure that's why my DDD bra isn't fitting.

It has gotten so much worse.  I can't find clothes.  Seriously.  I have the choice of looking like I'm wearing a mu mu or looking like a whore with my tits out.  My back can not take me doing even the most simplest of workouts.  Hell, I can't even use my inversion table because my breasts are so heavy that they feel like they are going to tear off.  I would say I have to be at least an H now.  It is to the point that my introductions are now something like this.  "Hello.  My name is Renee.  Yep, I have giant boobs.  Yes, they are real.  Yes, they hurt my back and I guess you can touch them.    Either way, I have decided that I can finally do something.  I was ready to try again for the surgery and not only change my body but change my identity as well.  Which is why I was so excited for my appointment today.  I felt like I was finally on the road to a change that has been needed for almost 12 years.  This is also why I have to feel the need to blog about my experience....especially about what happened to me today.  

Going to the doctor is very very hard for me.  They ALWAYS give me crap about my weight.  It is why I don't go.  Ever.  I seriously only went to the dr. when I was pregnant with Maddie and Dexter because I wanted to make sure I got an epidural.  I have to give myself a pep talk before I even check in and I spend most of the visit in "fight or flight" mode.  Today was no different.

I was actually really excited about today.  It should have been just a quick visit.  I was simply getting a referral from the primary care giver so I could have a consult with the plastic surgeon.  They weighed me (ugg) but the nurse was really nice and didn't give me crap about it so I was hopeful.  She took my temperature and my blood pressure (which she made it a point to tell me that my blood pressure was beyond excellent.....I'm feeling slightly less nervous).  I think I confused them because I wasn't there because I was sick.  I was there because I wanted to start the ball rolling for this breast reduction.  I explained the the nurse about the chronic back pain, the boob rashes, and the tears from the inability to find clothes that actually fit.  She was very sympathetic.  I also told her how it was extremely hard for me to lose weight now because there are very few exercises I can do without my back flaring up.  She didn't give me crap about my weight.  As a matter of fact, she was very confident that this would really help me and that I was still young enough that weight loss (although slower) would still work pretty well for me.  So she gave me a gown and told me that she wasn't sure if the doctor would want to look at them or not, but to just undress from the waist up.  She then freaked that I haven't had a mammogram and then decided that I was too young to start those.  I assured her that I had had a breast exam during my pregnancy.  She was cool with that and left me to wait.  And wait I did.

It wasn't long before Dr. Doom showed up.  That wasn't her name but that's how I felt about her toward the end of the visit.  She shook my hand and we talked a little about why I had come to see them.  I made it QUITE CLEAR that I was just here to get a referral for a breast reduction.  I tell her about the chronic back pain.  I SHOWED her the discoloration that the rashes had left under my breasts.  She gives me a prescription for a powder to help when I have the rashes.  Ummmm, that's all fine and good.  That will help it go away, but a breast reduction will help stop it in the first place.  Let's not get off topic here doc.  She then tells me that she will write a referral but that I will probably get denied.  Umm what?  I'm not sure what doctor would deny me.  I have had random strangers come up to relay their sympathies to my back.  I won't lie.  I got a little snotty with her.  I said that I was pretty sure that no doctor would allow me to remain in this kind of pain when it is obvious that this one surgery would help me out so much.  She then tells me that they will probably tell me to try to lose weight first.  Happy feeling gone.  Oh great.  You are one of the weight Nazis.  My "fight or flight" response is starting to come back and I'm trying my best not to break out into tears.  So I tell her yes.  I know I am overweight.  I am trying to change that but it's awfully hard when I'm limited to what exercise I can do.  She then goes on to say that I can lose weight by just watching what I eat and I wouldn't have to exercise.  Okay.  I'm so done.  You are obviously a quack.  Yes.  Watching your food intake is VERY important.  That is why they tell you to journal your food.  However, in EVERY SINGLE WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM KNOWN TO MAN, it will tell you to pair it with an exercise routine.  You NEED exercise to help get your metabolism working.  Do the people on the Biggest Loser just watch what they eat and then sit on their asses all day.  No!  They work their shit off in the gym.  They do last chance workouts before their weigh in in order to try to lose a little more.  And even if I did lose weight, my boobs will STILL be monstrosities.  And it's not like I'm pulling this out of my ass.  I have been told this by an actual plastic surgeon.

Dr. Doom wouldn't drop it.  She just kept going on about how I just needed to lose weight.  Umm..yeah.  I get it.  I had to lie and tell her that yes I was dieting and I had already lost 5 lbs just so she would shut the FUCK up.  She still kept saying that I was going to be denied.  I told her that she needed to do the referral anyway.  I'm not sure how they can deny me WITHOUT setting up an appointment to actually SEE my breasts, but whatever.  

Then of course it says in my notes that I had Gestational Diabetes.  Lord, not THIS again.  Like that didn't give me anxiety throughout my ENTIRE last 10 weeks of my pregnancy.  I haven't even gone to take the test to make sure my blood sugar went back to normal, because it nearly sends me into a panic attack.  They seem to assume that just because I'm chunky that I'm going to have a shit load of issues.  So anyway, she is like "So you have GD."  I'm like "No, I HAD GD with my son.  He is 6 months old now.  I'm fairly confident that I'm fine now."  She kept going on and on about no you HAVE GD.  Seriously.  Come on.  So she ordered the stupid glucose test and then because I'm "fat" she wants a cholesterol test.  At this point, I'm like I'm so done.  Just write the damn referral so I can leave.  

She did write one and then told me to wait at least 24 hours and then try to make an appointment with the plastic surgeon.  I left the clinic almost in tears.  I honestly don't see how they WOULD deny me, but now I, of course, have that thought in my head.  Seriously.  This dr. was a quack.  Why do I ALWAYS get the bad ones?  I'm going to try to stay positive, but she really rained on my parade and what better place to vent then in my blog where I have the support of so many.  Hopefully, this will be the last "bad" experience I have on this journey.  But I will try to keep you all abreast (ha ha ha) of the situation.