Today, I had to leave the house to run some errands. I know right? Big day for me. I had to put on pants! But anyway...I was walking to drop off my rent check and I walked past two women talking. As I was walking back to my car, I heard one of them whisper: "Is it just me or does that chick smell like a guy?" I could barely contain my giggles. Yes. Today I smell of man! As always, I have a perfectly good reason why I smell like a man today and I thought my loyal blog followers would like to read about it.
I'm sure that if you have been following my Facebook posts, you know that my shower has been out of commission for almost 2 weeks. The door fell off and nearly decapitated me (the Man Upstairs likes to keep me on my toes just for funsies). Yesterday, a maintenance man finally came by and fixed it! I meant to take a shower the night before but I was tired and passed out so today was the magical day! Maddie was enthralled with watching Curious George episodes with the babysitter, Mr. TV. Dexter had been fed and was driving his little plastic dump truck around the living room so I thought: "Score! Shower time!"
I rushed up the stairs and stripped down to my birthday suit and started the water. I had one leg in when I realized that ALL of my shower stuff was in the kid's bathroom. No biggie. I leave the water on and streak ****WHEEEEEEEEE**** to the other side of the house and grab my shampoo, conditioner, face wash, extra toothbrush and toothpaste (which by the way moms....if you want an extra 5 minutes of peace in the shower, start brushing your teeth in there! It is awesome...trust me!) and poof. Hell, I even grab a towel, because after all I'm the master of planning ahead right? I streak back and set the things on the shelf in the shower. But wait. I'm missing something. Soap! Crap. I rush back to the kid's bathroom only to remember that Miss Madeleine had gotten a hold of it and crumbled it all to pieces. I need new soap. Luckily for me, I was on top of my game one day and I bought a large pack because I knew I only had one left. Unfortunately, for me I was also lazy that day and left the bag with the soap in the garage.
I would like to note that most normal people would just throw on a robe and go downstairs and get the soap and carry on. I am not normal. At this point, putting anything back on would be counter productive. I begrudgingly turn off the water and start walking downstairs preparing myself to face "The Gauntlet."
"The Gauntlet" is the hallway that runs from our half bath to the garage. There are three decent sized windows along this hallway plus a baby gate to keep my son from munching on cat food. The windows look out to the street. There are no trees, no bushes, hell there aren't even blinds on 2 of the windows. Hence, it is called "The Gauntlet."
It doesn't look so bad....until you are about to run down it NAKED!
So, I paused at the bottom of the stairs, crossed myself and started my "Please God don't let anyone be standing outside my house or driving by my house or looking out their own windows" mantra. I pass the first window with no problems, move the baby gate to the side, take a deep breath and then run at "boob flapping" speed past the remaining two windows. I pause, hear no one mocking the naked fat woman and open my garage door to look for my renegade soap.
After a few minutes of tearing about in my garage, naked as the day I was born (it is really cold in my garage...FYI), I found the bag, wedged in between two boxes. I dance a little victory dance and prepare for my return dash through "The Gauntlet." I'm victorious once again and I'm half way up the stairs until I realize that I forgot to put the baby gate back up. Dexter eats cat food like it's a delicacy so I swore like a sailor, set the boxes of soap (I got an 8 pack....hey it was on sale!) on my kitchen counter. I'm not too worried this time...after all I'm only running one third of "The Gauntlet."
After all of this, Dexter has become quite concerned so he felt the need to come check on me. Maddie is still oblivious to the whole thing much thanks to that naughty little monkey and his banana color obsessed human friend. At this point, Dexter has discovered that I had indeed abandoned him in the living room and is now throwing a fit. So I carry him back to his trucks and finally get him distracted so I can slip away to the sweet bliss that is my shower.
I march my naked ass proudly back up to my bathroom, put the water on as hot as I can stand and melt. I love showers. I slowly massage my shampoo into my hair and then brush my teeth (again...seriously...I love brushing my teeth in the shower). I wash my face. I rinse out my hair and add my conditioner and I reach for my poof and my soap.....and my soap....seriously where the FUCK is my soap? Oh yeah. Downstairs. On my kitchen counter. Where I left it. Hmmmph.
At this point, I have two options. I can run downstairs again naked with the added bonus of looking like a drowned rat this time or I can embrace my inner man and use the Old Spice body wash that Dieter left here. I went with option two. Dexter has now figured out what I'm doing and has come upstairs to stand at the edge of the tub and mock me while I finish my shower.
I get out smelling like bona fide man. I'm pretty sure that by smell alone I could have gotten to at LEAST second base with some lucky lady, maybe even third but let's face it. I'm a gentleman. At least, I don't smell like rotting under boob rash so I feel good about going out and facing the public.
So yes random ladies outside of Remax. I smell like man. Jealous aren't you?
Either way, I'm not too disgruntled about the situation. I'm pretty sure that the Man Upstairs is entertained by my hi jinks on a regular basis. After paying rent, I stopped by Wendy's to pick up dinner. Hey, it was National Bacon day and what better way to celebrate this fabulous holiday then to pick up a Baconator?! Anyway, when I pulled up to the window to pay for my order, the guy offered me a free large Frosty.
I smell like a stud AND I got a free dessert. If that doesn't make the day a total success, then call me a monkey's uncle! A fine smelling monkey's uncle at that.
After all of this, Dexter has become quite concerned so he felt the need to come check on me. Maddie is still oblivious to the whole thing much thanks to that naughty little monkey and his banana color obsessed human friend. At this point, Dexter has discovered that I had indeed abandoned him in the living room and is now throwing a fit. So I carry him back to his trucks and finally get him distracted so I can slip away to the sweet bliss that is my shower.
I march my naked ass proudly back up to my bathroom, put the water on as hot as I can stand and melt. I love showers. I slowly massage my shampoo into my hair and then brush my teeth (again...seriously...I love brushing my teeth in the shower). I wash my face. I rinse out my hair and add my conditioner and I reach for my poof and my soap.....and my soap....seriously where the FUCK is my soap? Oh yeah. Downstairs. On my kitchen counter. Where I left it. Hmmmph.
At this point, I have two options. I can run downstairs again naked with the added bonus of looking like a drowned rat this time or I can embrace my inner man and use the Old Spice body wash that Dieter left here. I went with option two. Dexter has now figured out what I'm doing and has come upstairs to stand at the edge of the tub and mock me while I finish my shower.
I get out smelling like bona fide man. I'm pretty sure that by smell alone I could have gotten to at LEAST second base with some lucky lady, maybe even third but let's face it. I'm a gentleman. At least, I don't smell like rotting under boob rash so I feel good about going out and facing the public.
So yes random ladies outside of Remax. I smell like man. Jealous aren't you?
Either way, I'm not too disgruntled about the situation. I'm pretty sure that the Man Upstairs is entertained by my hi jinks on a regular basis. After paying rent, I stopped by Wendy's to pick up dinner. Hey, it was National Bacon day and what better way to celebrate this fabulous holiday then to pick up a Baconator?! Anyway, when I pulled up to the window to pay for my order, the guy offered me a free large Frosty.
I smell like a stud AND I got a free dessert. If that doesn't make the day a total success, then call me a monkey's uncle! A fine smelling monkey's uncle at that.
No comments:
Post a Comment